So for the first
time in more than 20 years my arm with the birth defect is wrapped and in a
sling. Maybe I am being overly sensitive today, but when I told someone about
going to the doctor today for what I assumed would turn out to be a stress
fracture they commented, “which arm? Oh
the bad one, good thing not the good one.” When did my birth defect become bad? What
determines it to be my bad arm? Yes, it is not my dominant side; yes it is not
the one I depend on for most things. However after having it taken away from me
I realize just how far I have come in being able to use it. I realize now that even using the one finger
on that hand I still depend on it to type with both hands, I depend on it to
drive when I need to scratch my nose, I depend on it to wash the dishes while I
hold them steady with the other hand. Nowhere
do I see a bad side in this. Heck I even depend on it to do push ups. Yes, I
know that the person was not meaning to hurt my feelings. I think that I have
just come to accept myself for who I am and it is a part of me as anyone else’s
“normal” limbs. But it still stings to
have it pointed out that I am not like most of the world. Luckily I don’t mind
being different anymore. God made me this way for a reason and I am proud of
His creation.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Unconditional
Sometimes in life you come across someone who it seems like
really sees you for who you are rather than who you show the world you are. We
all generally put up that front for the rest of the world to see and there are
only a few that we let in far enough to see the real person inside. The one
that has the scars of life and the fears we hide to protect our hearts. These
special people we let in come into our lives generally unexpected and seem to
somehow slip in under our radar that we keep on alert to protect our hearts.
While it can be very scary to let them into our hearts it can also be very
rewarding to have that special someone really see who you are. It is nice to
have that one person that you can truly be yourself with without fear of what
they will think, and can know that no matter what they will still love who you
are flaws and all. How many people in your life will ever truly love you
unconditionally? When you find that, you don’t throw that away, you hold tight
to it and cherish the gift that you have been given. Don’t question it, just
accept it and be happy knowing that someone loves you through the good and the
bad because that wont come along everyday.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Walking Out My Issues
Clearing out my head has not always been
an easy task. Generally I can work through some issues or push them to the back
and bury them for a while, but never really get rid of them. A couple days ago
I decided I would walk out my issues. 9 miles later, a blister and sore muscles
I had several light bulbs turn on and some were blinding. After a recent
heartbreak I have done a lot of thinking and looking back on my life. While in
lots of areas in my life I am very strong willed and independent I also have a
very soft side. Growing up being made fun of a lot I guess builds up a wall
that allows me to pretend to be strong but it doesn’t keep the hurt from
penetrating.
Light bulb #1: I fall for people that
have the same weaknesses as I do. I seem to seek out people that have had bad
relationships and have been used in the past. I seek out relationships with
people who wear masks to cover up the pain and put up a strong front.
Light bulb #2: I seek these people out
because if I can figure out how to help them overcome their issues, maybe I can
figure out how to overcome mine.
Light bulb #3: I can’t fix people. I am
not God; I do not have any power to fix others. While I am a great listener and
friend I am not able to help people over come the very same issue that affect
me because I have not yet overcome them.
Light bulb #4: We are all made different
because we were each given different strengths and weaknesses in order to give
strength to others who are weak in the areas of our strengths. If I want to be
of help to anyone in the future I need to use my strengths not my weaknesses. I
need to wait patiently for someone that has strengths that meet my weaknesses.
In life I feel at times I have given
everything of myself in order to make whomever I am with happy. In the end I
start neglecting myself and have lost a little bit of who I am at each turn.
After a while I have become a little bit of this person and a little of the
next one and have lost who I am. I no longer recognize the person looking back
in the mirror. I have let my happiness depend on others for so long that I have
had to learn what truly makes me happy. Slowly but surely I am learning. I know
that I need to keep my eyes open and keep moving forward while growing
everyday. I have taken on a lot of new things lately in order to push myself
farther and grow. The new confidences I am finding in myself are helping me to
start recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror and liking what I
see. While I may be a strong person, I do still need to lean on others occasionally
for strength, and I need to be careful of who those others are.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Who Am I?
While doing
homework this evening and discussing how hard it is for adolescents to figure
out who they are as they grow up, it makes me think about my life. Through the years I have been a daughter, a
wife, an ex-wife, a mother, a sister, a granddaughter,
a niece, a friend, an aunt, etc… Growing
up I was the girl with the little arm. When I am out I am know by Lori’s
daughter or Wayne’s daughter. When I am at a school I am this kid’s mom or that
kid’s mom. But who am I?
Over the years I
have tried on many personalities and none of them seemed to fit, because just
like a teenager I tried to fit in with who I was around at the time. Sometimes
these masks can get really hard to hold on to after a while and can become
really scary to let go of. You wonder if
who you really are is good enough for the people around you to accept. We walk around so much of our lives wearing
whatever label or mask helps us get through the day. This gets really tiring
after a while. There comes a point in
life where we have to stand up and be who we are without all the fake
personalities and oh so perfect life masks and just be.
I am me! I am who
God made me. I don’t have to hide who I am because there is nothing wrong with
me. I make mistakes, I do things my own way and I strive to grow everyday to be
better at being me. But I refuse to continue to hide behind a mask that says I
am fine and I am strong all the time. I am a woman who has feelings and hurts
and trials just like every other person in this world. You can like me or not but
it really changes nothing to me as a person.
I am tired of
trying to fit in to a worldview of what should be normal. I don’t look like
you, I don’t think like you, why should I act like you. No one is better or worse than me. We are all
human, we all make mistakes, and we all answer to the same God. Why should I
let your view of normal affect how I see myself? While I am a mother, a
daughter, a student, a whatever else life throws at me, I am still just me. I
don’t have to be who you want me to be because I am already someone. You don’t
have to change me or like me or be me, you just have to let me be who I am.
Monday, March 4, 2013
New People & Places
Why does it seem like my feelings are more easily hurt
as an adult rather than when I was a child? Maybe it did hurt back then,
however I feel like maybe I was so used to getting made fun of that I just
stopped caring what others thought of me. After all what does it really matter
what others think of us in the grand scheme of things? Going into new
situations and meeting new people always make me nervous. I feel like there is
a pressure to seem normal even though there really is no such thing as normal when
we are all entirely different people.
If I am every new relationship, job, situation brings a
chance to meet new people that have not been around me. Which means it brings
new chances for staring, comments, and rejection. The hardest is not really that
I have to deal with it, but that those that I love have to be put in a
situation to either sit back and hear the comments or feel the need to stand up
for me. While it hurts me that people judge others based solely on their
appearance I think it is harder for me when I feel guilty that others caught up
in it because others question their choice of being around me.
All my life I have dealt with people that thought I was
incapable to do things and have proven them wrong time and time again. I have
dealt with people calling me names, making fun of me, avoiding me and rejecting
me all because of the way that I was created. I don’t make fun of others
because they were born with different color eyes or hair then me, why should
they make fun of me because God gave me something to make me stand out and
teach me to be thankful for the things that I am capable of?
All I have to say is that God made me this way and He
doesn’t make mistakes! I was created in this form for a purpose and my purpose
and worth are determined by Him, not by the people of this world that cannot
see past their own insecurities to see the wonderful design that only God could
create with a fully formed plan and purpose in mind. I am the daughter of a
King and I was made this way for His purpose.
“I praise you because I
am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full
well.” Psalm 139:14
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Pushing Past The Fear
So many things have happened in life over the past year. I have faced a lot of personal issues and have let fear rule my life. In the last couple of weeks I have been faced with some pretty big issues that I need to face. On Saturday I walked across the stage for my graduation ceremony for my first degree. A wonderful friend took me to a women’s conference called Dare to Be. There I was faced with the fact that my own fear could hold me back from the greatness that God created me for. By limiting what I am willing to try to do I am unwilling to let God use me to my fullest potential. If you stop looking within yourself for all of your faults and just trust that you are who God says you are, then you would be able to do so much more. I have been thinking about this for a few days now I believe it to be true. I believe it because if you let fear hold you back, you do not try to do things, you don’t strive to reach your goals. God gives us the passion and the purpose for the things that are important to us. If He gave us this desire to make a difference in the world, then shouldn’t we strive to fulfill that purpose? The only real limitations in your goals for life are the ones that you put on yourself.
During a recent Bible study I read: "Life is hard, but even the harshness of life points toward purpose. If you are willing, you can probably trace your passion all the way to the deepest point of your pain." (Beth Moore) I can agree with this statement, my pain from growing up with a birth defect has influenced my purpose in life of helping others through that challenge in life. I grew up being told that God made me this way for a reason. Hopeful Hands is my reason for being the way that I am. I was shaped, and molded and put through the trials of life to fulfill a purpose in life. I want to make life easier for others faced with growing up with a birth defect. My life experience, my challenges have given me the experience to know what it is like. My education is and will help me to be successful. BUT my FEAR had held me back.
Fear comes from insecurity. My insecurity comes from growing up being made fun of and feeling like I never fit in anywhere. There was no one that looked like me, or that was going through what I was going through. I thought I was the only one. Only when I was older did I realize that there were others like me, others who felt like I felt, and had been through some of the same life experiences that I had been through. Even with the knowledge that there are others who are like me and need help, I am still faced with fear and self-doubt. Who am I to start an organization? What good will I be able to do? How can someone like me possibly make a difference? The answer to all of these again comes from a Beth Moore Bible study… “I am who God says I am”.
When I let go of my insecurity and fear, I am more open to trusting God completely. When I do that, I am able to step out in faith and strive to reach my goals. My goals are my purpose in life. My purpose in life is to help others who are faced with growing up with a birth defect. Now I have to let go of my fear of failure and let go of my feelings of not being good enough, qualified enough, or experienced enough. It is actually a shock to feel more freedom in knowing that I don’t have to be afraid. If I try and fail, at least I tried. If I don’t try then I live with the “what if” question for the rest of my life. I think I could more easily live with the failure than the “what if”. Failure is only a temporary hurdle. Failure is a challenge to try harder, push yourself farther and reach higher. Failure is the precursor to success.
During a recent Bible study I read: "Life is hard, but even the harshness of life points toward purpose. If you are willing, you can probably trace your passion all the way to the deepest point of your pain." (Beth Moore) I can agree with this statement, my pain from growing up with a birth defect has influenced my purpose in life of helping others through that challenge in life. I grew up being told that God made me this way for a reason. Hopeful Hands is my reason for being the way that I am. I was shaped, and molded and put through the trials of life to fulfill a purpose in life. I want to make life easier for others faced with growing up with a birth defect. My life experience, my challenges have given me the experience to know what it is like. My education is and will help me to be successful. BUT my FEAR had held me back.
Fear comes from insecurity. My insecurity comes from growing up being made fun of and feeling like I never fit in anywhere. There was no one that looked like me, or that was going through what I was going through. I thought I was the only one. Only when I was older did I realize that there were others like me, others who felt like I felt, and had been through some of the same life experiences that I had been through. Even with the knowledge that there are others who are like me and need help, I am still faced with fear and self-doubt. Who am I to start an organization? What good will I be able to do? How can someone like me possibly make a difference? The answer to all of these again comes from a Beth Moore Bible study… “I am who God says I am”.
When I let go of my insecurity and fear, I am more open to trusting God completely. When I do that, I am able to step out in faith and strive to reach my goals. My goals are my purpose in life. My purpose in life is to help others who are faced with growing up with a birth defect. Now I have to let go of my fear of failure and let go of my feelings of not being good enough, qualified enough, or experienced enough. It is actually a shock to feel more freedom in knowing that I don’t have to be afraid. If I try and fail, at least I tried. If I don’t try then I live with the “what if” question for the rest of my life. I think I could more easily live with the failure than the “what if”. Failure is only a temporary hurdle. Failure is a challenge to try harder, push yourself farther and reach higher. Failure is the precursor to success.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Life Suckers
Do you ever feel really drained after talking to certain friends or family members? I attended the Women Of Faith conference this weekend and I came away thinking more about my relationships with the people in my life. I pondered this issue a lot this weekend. There are vampires in my life. Not the kind that suck your blood, but rather the kind that suck the life right out of you. Don’t get me wrong, I love the people in my life, but at some point you have to say enough is enough and allow them to take up their issues with God rather than you.
After listening to the speakers this weekend, I feel like I am more aware of why I feel this way. God has put me in several places I need to be right now. One of them was the Women Of Faith conference this weekend, the other is a Bible study at church by Beth Moore about getting out of the pit that we are in. I have felt like I am in a pit a lot lately. I am overwhelmed by the things going on in my life, I am not always making good choices and sometimes others are trying to drag me down into their pits with them as well. I have recently learned that we cannot pull others out of their pits. It is not possible, we are NOT GOD! We can be a friend and listen and be supportive, but we can’t rescue them from where they are because that will only be a temporary fix before they go right back down into their pit.
This then got me to thinking, am I a life sucking vampire as well? Am I draining my friends? I hate to think that after all this time of waiting to have a solid group of friends that I am sucking the life out of them with my problems. I now have the question of how do you know when you are a life sucker? How do you know when you have reached your limit of what you can share, what you can ask, what you can seek counsel on? My only answer is to look up. Look up to my Savior, my Deliver, my Healer. Somewhere I read that when life knocks you to your knees, this is the perfect place to pray. So here I am, ready to bow at the feet of Jesus, and turn over my problems, my issues and everything that is draining the life out of me. Here I am ready to be rescued from my pit.
After listening to the speakers this weekend, I feel like I am more aware of why I feel this way. God has put me in several places I need to be right now. One of them was the Women Of Faith conference this weekend, the other is a Bible study at church by Beth Moore about getting out of the pit that we are in. I have felt like I am in a pit a lot lately. I am overwhelmed by the things going on in my life, I am not always making good choices and sometimes others are trying to drag me down into their pits with them as well. I have recently learned that we cannot pull others out of their pits. It is not possible, we are NOT GOD! We can be a friend and listen and be supportive, but we can’t rescue them from where they are because that will only be a temporary fix before they go right back down into their pit.
This then got me to thinking, am I a life sucking vampire as well? Am I draining my friends? I hate to think that after all this time of waiting to have a solid group of friends that I am sucking the life out of them with my problems. I now have the question of how do you know when you are a life sucker? How do you know when you have reached your limit of what you can share, what you can ask, what you can seek counsel on? My only answer is to look up. Look up to my Savior, my Deliver, my Healer. Somewhere I read that when life knocks you to your knees, this is the perfect place to pray. So here I am, ready to bow at the feet of Jesus, and turn over my problems, my issues and everything that is draining the life out of me. Here I am ready to be rescued from my pit.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Blessings All Around
Wow, what a weekend!! We had our first fundraiser to get Hopeful Hands started. It was a lot of work, but I could really see God working. Through all of the planning there were doors opened and connections made to make it a great day. I was truly blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people.
The sale brought in almost all of what we needed to meet our original goal, which was $500. This will be used to file the paper work to get our non-profit status. The variety show had a decent turn out; I would have loved to see more people attend. However like I told the performers before the show, even if we don’t have a crowd we will use the time to praise God for answered prayers. We had some wonderful performers and even I sang with my daughter. (I was extremely nervous and I think her strong voice drowned me out for the most part…the crowd was lucky…ha ha) But even while I was singing I could feel the Spirit around me… and I knew that I was on the right path. I tried to keep God at the center of it all and praise Him for every open door, every performer that agreed to perform, for the location that was donated, the wonderful volunteers that gave of their time and their hearts and the crowds that came to all of the events.
I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life and now have been blessed as well with connections that are being made through the article that was published in today’s paper. The article talked about what I am trying to accomplish by starting Hopeful Hands. I hope that by people reading the article they will think of someone they know that may benefit from the programs that Hopeful Hands will provide in the future. Even if I can only help one person to have a less difficult life from the programs I am working to start, that will make me feel like it has all been worth it. No matter what, I am following through on the path that God has placed me on and striving to make my Heavenly Father proud.
The sale brought in almost all of what we needed to meet our original goal, which was $500. This will be used to file the paper work to get our non-profit status. The variety show had a decent turn out; I would have loved to see more people attend. However like I told the performers before the show, even if we don’t have a crowd we will use the time to praise God for answered prayers. We had some wonderful performers and even I sang with my daughter. (I was extremely nervous and I think her strong voice drowned me out for the most part…the crowd was lucky…ha ha) But even while I was singing I could feel the Spirit around me… and I knew that I was on the right path. I tried to keep God at the center of it all and praise Him for every open door, every performer that agreed to perform, for the location that was donated, the wonderful volunteers that gave of their time and their hearts and the crowds that came to all of the events.
I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life and now have been blessed as well with connections that are being made through the article that was published in today’s paper. The article talked about what I am trying to accomplish by starting Hopeful Hands. I hope that by people reading the article they will think of someone they know that may benefit from the programs that Hopeful Hands will provide in the future. Even if I can only help one person to have a less difficult life from the programs I am working to start, that will make me feel like it has all been worth it. No matter what, I am following through on the path that God has placed me on and striving to make my Heavenly Father proud.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Woman Starts Support Group for People Born with Birth Defects
Woman Starts Support Group for People Born with Birth Defects
I am so excited, things are moving quickly towards the fundraiser to get Hopeful Hands up and running. Can't believe I was on TV, I was so nervous. I am glad I am a planner, because I do not like being in the spotlight. From now on I need a spokesperson...lol...Any volunteers??
I am so excited, things are moving quickly towards the fundraiser to get Hopeful Hands up and running. Can't believe I was on TV, I was so nervous. I am glad I am a planner, because I do not like being in the spotlight. From now on I need a spokesperson...lol...Any volunteers??
Friday, April 29, 2011
Planning, Fundraising & Wow
I am so very excited!!!! School is going GREAT, and I am planning a fundraiser to get the nonprofit going. I am astonished by the amount of feedback and encouragement that I have received while planning the event. The nonprofit will be called Hopeful Hands; the mission statement is “Making a difference in the lives of children and families, whose lives are affected by birth defects”.
While planning the event I was starting to get worried because we were not finding a location. With the time of year and being wedding season everything was booked up months ago. However, God is good (GREAT), He opened the door for me to start school and to get things going for Hopeful Hands and He opened a door for a location as well.
I am amazed that when we started planning this event started out as a garage sale and a variety show. Everyone loved the idea so much that they started throwing in more ideas and now we have an ALL day event with something for everyone. (Please see list below) I am so thrilled to have been blessed with awesome people that are willing to help with this now major event, and that are encouraging in my efforts to move forward with my purpose in life… Hopeful Hands is God’s purpose for me, I was made this way for a reason and that reason is Hopeful Hands and the work that I will be able to do while working within this organization. Thank you God for answered prayers and loving me enough to make me in this special way.
Line up events for June 11th, 2011:
8am-1pm: Rumage Sale
... (Back parking lot of the Belt Bowl- If raining will hold in the
back hallway of the Belt Bowl)
10am-5pm: Open Bowling
($2 a game as many games as you want in that time)
1pm- Sweeper Bowling Tournment
($20 to preregister or $25 to register the day of the event.
Entry forms will be available in the next few days. Prize list to
be paid 1 in 8)
6pm-8pm: Variety/Talent Show featuring local artists and a silent auction
Cost: Free will donation
8:30pm-10pm: Open Bowling
($2 a game as many games as you want in that time)
10pm-2am: Rock-N-Bowl
($12 a person)
**Half of all the open bowling and rock-n-bowl proceeds will go towards the fundraiser. All proceeds from the sale and show will go towards the fundraiser.**
Location for all events will be Belt Bowl (210 N. Belt Hwy. St. Joseph, Mo.)
While planning the event I was starting to get worried because we were not finding a location. With the time of year and being wedding season everything was booked up months ago. However, God is good (GREAT), He opened the door for me to start school and to get things going for Hopeful Hands and He opened a door for a location as well.
I am amazed that when we started planning this event started out as a garage sale and a variety show. Everyone loved the idea so much that they started throwing in more ideas and now we have an ALL day event with something for everyone. (Please see list below) I am so thrilled to have been blessed with awesome people that are willing to help with this now major event, and that are encouraging in my efforts to move forward with my purpose in life… Hopeful Hands is God’s purpose for me, I was made this way for a reason and that reason is Hopeful Hands and the work that I will be able to do while working within this organization. Thank you God for answered prayers and loving me enough to make me in this special way.
Line up events for June 11th, 2011:
8am-1pm: Rumage Sale
... (Back parking lot of the Belt Bowl- If raining will hold in the
back hallway of the Belt Bowl)
10am-5pm: Open Bowling
($2 a game as many games as you want in that time)
1pm- Sweeper Bowling Tournment
($20 to preregister or $25 to register the day of the event.
Entry forms will be available in the next few days. Prize list to
be paid 1 in 8)
6pm-8pm: Variety/Talent Show featuring local artists and a silent auction
Cost: Free will donation
8:30pm-10pm: Open Bowling
($2 a game as many games as you want in that time)
10pm-2am: Rock-N-Bowl
($12 a person)
**Half of all the open bowling and rock-n-bowl proceeds will go towards the fundraiser. All proceeds from the sale and show will go towards the fundraiser.**
Location for all events will be Belt Bowl (210 N. Belt Hwy. St. Joseph, Mo.)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
New Experiences
Being around a new group of children always reminds me why I am going to school and encourages me to want to keep moving towards my goals. I recently started coaching kindergarteners in basketball at my church. On the first night I was bombarded with questions about why I only have 3 fingers on my short arm. I explained it again and again that God made me different for a purpose. The children were not rude or intrusive, just very curious. I thought it was great. I got a chance to show that just because I am different, does not mean that anything is wrong with me. I also showed them that I still have confidence in myself and that even though I am different, God still has a plan for me.
I love having the opportunity to share my mission and even the youngest children can be reached by being exposed to those that have differences physically. I feel like I am on the right path and am finally feeling like I am making progress not only with my own issues about my birth defect but in the rest of my life as well. Keeping the attitude that my arm is a blessing is not always easy when I have people that act like I am to be pitied because I am different. There is no reason to pity me, God does not make mistakes, He made me with a plan and His plan will unfold into a wonderful opportunity in the near future.
I love having the opportunity to share my mission and even the youngest children can be reached by being exposed to those that have differences physically. I feel like I am on the right path and am finally feeling like I am making progress not only with my own issues about my birth defect but in the rest of my life as well. Keeping the attitude that my arm is a blessing is not always easy when I have people that act like I am to be pitied because I am different. There is no reason to pity me, God does not make mistakes, He made me with a plan and His plan will unfold into a wonderful opportunity in the near future.
Monday, October 4, 2010
My deformity does not define me....
Recently I was asked to be the speaker at my church for a women’s fellowship dinner. I wrote out my testimony and was a little surprised by what I found. I expected that my focus would be a lot on growing up with a deformity and how hard that was. Growing up was hard, but that was not what ended up being my main focus. If anything, maybe growing up with a deformity helped to make me stronger for what else I have faced in my life.
After I got home from speaking, I got to thinking that people were probably expecting me to talk more about growing up with a deformity. My testimony centered more around surviving an abusive marriage and learning to get past being dependant on the men in my life. I, myself was a little shocked when I got home and really started thinking about it. I did not plan it that way, I just started writing and wrote everything that came to mind and that was how it happened.
On my journey to speaking in public, I had to relive a lot of what happened in my past. The funny thing is, that getting made fun of in school was not nearly as hard as the life I had after school. Sure, growing up with a deformity has helped to shape who I am and has given me a passion for helping others that are like me and facing the same issues. But that is not the entire story of who I am. I hope that my testimony touched someone’s heart. I hope that God uses it to reach others that are struggling. Because I feel like He can still use it, I am going to post my testimony in hopes that others will read it that were not there at the meeting the other night.
My life has been a journey, some good, some bad… Over all I have learned that no matter what happens, with the right frame of mind you can use it all to grow and to become more like who God wants you to be. I hope that my life can be a testament to how far God can bring one person. I know that if even one person can see how far God has carried me, they will see that He can carry them as well if they will only open their heart.
My Testimony
I grew up being told that God made me special. For those that do not know what happened to my arm, I was born with a birth defect. For as long as I can remember my family has always told me, that I was born this way for a purpose. Which makes me think of a verse I like which is, Psalm 138:8 The lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your love, O lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands. While growing up I attended church infrequently. I can remember going to church for short periods of time but not consistently. I never remember my parents together, since they were divorced when I was still very young.
Growing up in school with a deformity was hard. I was not used to getting made fun of. According to my Mom, I got kicked out of kindergarten on the first day of school because I hit a kid in the face with my lunch box for making fun of me. That happened a few more times as I remember. The teachers either ignored me or acted like I was one to be pitied. I got called names like freak, or three fingers, and was told that I didn’t have to try to do things since I only had one arm. All of which made me more determined to learn how to do EVERYTHING that other kids could do.
During my younger childhood and elementary school days I had 10 surgeries on my arm. I finally told them I’d had enough. I didn’t want to go through the pain of the surgeries anymore. They still had many plans they wanted to do to make me look “normal”. To me THIS (holding up my hand) is normal. I do not need cosmetic surgery to make everyone else feel ok with MY deformity.
I was a fairly obedient child (at least I saw myself that way); I wanted to please my parents. I did test my boundaries now and then and as a result of that I became a teenage mother. The worst part was telling my parents, and facing the disappointment in their eyes. I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son Richard, when I was 18. I delivered him about 2 weeks before my 19th birthday and the end of my senior year. 3 months after he was born I married his father.
My first husband is an alcoholic and I believe he might be bi-polar. We were together for 3 years before getting married and I thought I was in “love”. We went on to have two more children, Kaitlyn and Kaleigh. Things quickly went downhill in our marriage. He job hopped, drank regularly and became increasingly violent. He was what they call a “cutter”. He would get mad at me and slash his arms and tell me it was my fault, and he would threaten me with knives. To this day I still have times when I cannot even cut up my own food because I can’t bear to pick up the knife. He abused me in numerous ways until one day I finally snapped.
We had been married for about 6 years and one day things just got too much for me to handle. He had recently dragged me out of my van by my throat, because I would not let him drive drunk in the only vehicle we had for me to get to work in and get the kids to school in. He was escalating in his suicide attempts and violence against me. He left for work one morning and as I lay there crying, I cried out to God. I begged him to show me a way to fix my marriage. I did not want to be divorced. Both of my parents had been married several times and I did not want that life. I prayed that he would protect me and my kids and I prayed for some direction in my life. For the first time in all of the years of my marriage I felt a calming peace come over me.
I found a church shortly after and I started attending, and I encouraged my family to attend as well. My grandmother, my aunt and my cousin started attending with me and we all got baptized on the same day. My husband even started attending with us and the kids. He however did not find peace or salvation; I think his attendance was more focused on keeping tabs on me. We attended for several months and I thought I was doing things right. I joined the choir, attended regularly, and tried to find time to read my Bible even though my husband made that very difficult. He found ways to keep me from going. Such as shutting off my alarm clock, leaving with the van, or simply refused to let me go. He tried to keep total control over my life.
It started to feel like maybe I was wrong. I still believed in God, but I found it easier on me to stay home and do what he wanted me to do rather than to face his rage. So I stopped going to church and reading my Bible. I still prayed every day, mostly for my kids not to hear the things he said to me, or to walk in on something that would terrify them and to keep his attention focused on me so that he would not turn his rage on them. When I think back to this time, I take comfort in a couple verses from Psalm 55 verses 16-17 But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress and He hears my voice.
God answered my prayers, he kept my kids safe. They saw and heard more than they should have, but they were safe. After 9 years of marriage, being cheated on and abused, which at the time I did not consider abuse because he never actually “hit” me, just shoved me around, screamed at me, and many things that I cannot even bring myself to share, I finally had enough and I ran away. I filed for divorce and thought things would get easier. Instead he got more threatening. He would show up unannounced at my home, at my job, would threaten me or physically restrain me so that I had to listen to whatever he wanted to say. I started taking martial arts classes to learn to defend myself and eventually got a gun.
I was so scared of being on my own that as soon as I got divorced I jumped in with someone else. I married my second husband who was the complete opposite of the first. He is honest, he didn’t drink and he was not physically abusive. He was also a non-believer. Because he didn’t believe and I was grateful that he wanted me even with kids I did not go back to church. No one from the church ever checked on me when I left, so I believed they did not care. I felt like I didn’t belong and felt hurt that they did not care when I went missing and that maybe church was just not for me.
One thing I did not count on was my 2nd husband not loving me. We got married and had my son Drake together, I took on the responsibility of being a mother to his son D’Artagnan, who he had from a previous relationship and still he did not love me or my kids. I did everything I could to make him happy. I kept the house clean, I cooked, I worked and took care of kids while he worked and went through the police academy. Nothing was ever enough to make him love me the way I THOUGHT I loved him.
And after 3 years, I simply gave up. I felt like I deserved to be loved. I had been through so much and I was not going to stay in another marriage that I was not cared for and loved. Divorcing him was even harder than my first husband. For one because I thought I still loved him, for another I was scared that I was following my parents down the same path of multiple divorces and marriages and the hardest part was fighting for custody of our son. He never even wanted children but here he was trying to take our son away from me and split up my kids. I thought I would have a mental breakdown before it was over and maybe I did. While going through my custody case someone showed me a verse from Philippians it is Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
Then my mom and her husband invited me to Judgment House. That night changed my life. Watching this walk through play put on by Green Valley and seeing the results of denying God hit home for me in a way that I never thought possible. After that I started attending here with my mom and her husband. Pretty soon it became a regular routine. I rededicated my life to Christ and things started happening. I came to realize that the relationship that I had once again jumped into after my 2nd divorce was not what God had planned for me. The man I was seeing was a very long time friend and still is. We went to a couple’s seminar with the church and came back with more questions than answers and eventually realized that we were much better suited to being friends than possible spouses. Now for the first time in my life, I had a home for my kids and was living on my own. I started encouraging my kids to grow in their faith and my three older kids have become saved and have been baptized.
Today I am finding ways to serve in my church, sometimes God calls me to do things that are out of my comfort zone (like speaking in front of people), but I still do it because I know He is using these things to grow me spiritually. I have returned to college, and am now studying to get a degree in Human Resource management. I intend to start a non-profit for kids who are like me and were born with a deformity. I hope that through this venture families will be able to see what God has done in my life and see that with God all things are possible.
My life verse is Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” This verse is what calms my mind. After worrying for so many years about what MIGHT happen to me, I know better than some that each day indeed has enough of its own trouble. Being a single mom and working full time and going to school full time, I am still struggling with worry. When I get to this point, I start reciting Matthew 6:34 over and over and over again.
God has blessed me in so many ways and continues to do so in ways that I could never even have guessed. God has changed me from a co-dependent person who needed someone in my life even if that person was unhealthy for me, to a strong and independent woman. He has changed me from having no self esteem and thinking that I am worthless to having the confidence that God has my back and He made ME with a purpose in mind. I went from someone who thought that no one could love me, to knowing that my Father God has always loved me. I have great friends who encourage me in my faith and a wonderful church family who notices when I am missing. The best part, is knowing that God is with me and He is still shaping me into who I will to be so that my life will be a testament to His greatness.
After I got home from speaking, I got to thinking that people were probably expecting me to talk more about growing up with a deformity. My testimony centered more around surviving an abusive marriage and learning to get past being dependant on the men in my life. I, myself was a little shocked when I got home and really started thinking about it. I did not plan it that way, I just started writing and wrote everything that came to mind and that was how it happened.
On my journey to speaking in public, I had to relive a lot of what happened in my past. The funny thing is, that getting made fun of in school was not nearly as hard as the life I had after school. Sure, growing up with a deformity has helped to shape who I am and has given me a passion for helping others that are like me and facing the same issues. But that is not the entire story of who I am. I hope that my testimony touched someone’s heart. I hope that God uses it to reach others that are struggling. Because I feel like He can still use it, I am going to post my testimony in hopes that others will read it that were not there at the meeting the other night.
My life has been a journey, some good, some bad… Over all I have learned that no matter what happens, with the right frame of mind you can use it all to grow and to become more like who God wants you to be. I hope that my life can be a testament to how far God can bring one person. I know that if even one person can see how far God has carried me, they will see that He can carry them as well if they will only open their heart.
My Testimony
I grew up being told that God made me special. For those that do not know what happened to my arm, I was born with a birth defect. For as long as I can remember my family has always told me, that I was born this way for a purpose. Which makes me think of a verse I like which is, Psalm 138:8 The lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your love, O lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands. While growing up I attended church infrequently. I can remember going to church for short periods of time but not consistently. I never remember my parents together, since they were divorced when I was still very young.
Growing up in school with a deformity was hard. I was not used to getting made fun of. According to my Mom, I got kicked out of kindergarten on the first day of school because I hit a kid in the face with my lunch box for making fun of me. That happened a few more times as I remember. The teachers either ignored me or acted like I was one to be pitied. I got called names like freak, or three fingers, and was told that I didn’t have to try to do things since I only had one arm. All of which made me more determined to learn how to do EVERYTHING that other kids could do.
During my younger childhood and elementary school days I had 10 surgeries on my arm. I finally told them I’d had enough. I didn’t want to go through the pain of the surgeries anymore. They still had many plans they wanted to do to make me look “normal”. To me THIS (holding up my hand) is normal. I do not need cosmetic surgery to make everyone else feel ok with MY deformity.
I was a fairly obedient child (at least I saw myself that way); I wanted to please my parents. I did test my boundaries now and then and as a result of that I became a teenage mother. The worst part was telling my parents, and facing the disappointment in their eyes. I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son Richard, when I was 18. I delivered him about 2 weeks before my 19th birthday and the end of my senior year. 3 months after he was born I married his father.
My first husband is an alcoholic and I believe he might be bi-polar. We were together for 3 years before getting married and I thought I was in “love”. We went on to have two more children, Kaitlyn and Kaleigh. Things quickly went downhill in our marriage. He job hopped, drank regularly and became increasingly violent. He was what they call a “cutter”. He would get mad at me and slash his arms and tell me it was my fault, and he would threaten me with knives. To this day I still have times when I cannot even cut up my own food because I can’t bear to pick up the knife. He abused me in numerous ways until one day I finally snapped.
We had been married for about 6 years and one day things just got too much for me to handle. He had recently dragged me out of my van by my throat, because I would not let him drive drunk in the only vehicle we had for me to get to work in and get the kids to school in. He was escalating in his suicide attempts and violence against me. He left for work one morning and as I lay there crying, I cried out to God. I begged him to show me a way to fix my marriage. I did not want to be divorced. Both of my parents had been married several times and I did not want that life. I prayed that he would protect me and my kids and I prayed for some direction in my life. For the first time in all of the years of my marriage I felt a calming peace come over me.
I found a church shortly after and I started attending, and I encouraged my family to attend as well. My grandmother, my aunt and my cousin started attending with me and we all got baptized on the same day. My husband even started attending with us and the kids. He however did not find peace or salvation; I think his attendance was more focused on keeping tabs on me. We attended for several months and I thought I was doing things right. I joined the choir, attended regularly, and tried to find time to read my Bible even though my husband made that very difficult. He found ways to keep me from going. Such as shutting off my alarm clock, leaving with the van, or simply refused to let me go. He tried to keep total control over my life.
It started to feel like maybe I was wrong. I still believed in God, but I found it easier on me to stay home and do what he wanted me to do rather than to face his rage. So I stopped going to church and reading my Bible. I still prayed every day, mostly for my kids not to hear the things he said to me, or to walk in on something that would terrify them and to keep his attention focused on me so that he would not turn his rage on them. When I think back to this time, I take comfort in a couple verses from Psalm 55 verses 16-17 But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress and He hears my voice.
God answered my prayers, he kept my kids safe. They saw and heard more than they should have, but they were safe. After 9 years of marriage, being cheated on and abused, which at the time I did not consider abuse because he never actually “hit” me, just shoved me around, screamed at me, and many things that I cannot even bring myself to share, I finally had enough and I ran away. I filed for divorce and thought things would get easier. Instead he got more threatening. He would show up unannounced at my home, at my job, would threaten me or physically restrain me so that I had to listen to whatever he wanted to say. I started taking martial arts classes to learn to defend myself and eventually got a gun.
I was so scared of being on my own that as soon as I got divorced I jumped in with someone else. I married my second husband who was the complete opposite of the first. He is honest, he didn’t drink and he was not physically abusive. He was also a non-believer. Because he didn’t believe and I was grateful that he wanted me even with kids I did not go back to church. No one from the church ever checked on me when I left, so I believed they did not care. I felt like I didn’t belong and felt hurt that they did not care when I went missing and that maybe church was just not for me.
One thing I did not count on was my 2nd husband not loving me. We got married and had my son Drake together, I took on the responsibility of being a mother to his son D’Artagnan, who he had from a previous relationship and still he did not love me or my kids. I did everything I could to make him happy. I kept the house clean, I cooked, I worked and took care of kids while he worked and went through the police academy. Nothing was ever enough to make him love me the way I THOUGHT I loved him.
And after 3 years, I simply gave up. I felt like I deserved to be loved. I had been through so much and I was not going to stay in another marriage that I was not cared for and loved. Divorcing him was even harder than my first husband. For one because I thought I still loved him, for another I was scared that I was following my parents down the same path of multiple divorces and marriages and the hardest part was fighting for custody of our son. He never even wanted children but here he was trying to take our son away from me and split up my kids. I thought I would have a mental breakdown before it was over and maybe I did. While going through my custody case someone showed me a verse from Philippians it is Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.
Then my mom and her husband invited me to Judgment House. That night changed my life. Watching this walk through play put on by Green Valley and seeing the results of denying God hit home for me in a way that I never thought possible. After that I started attending here with my mom and her husband. Pretty soon it became a regular routine. I rededicated my life to Christ and things started happening. I came to realize that the relationship that I had once again jumped into after my 2nd divorce was not what God had planned for me. The man I was seeing was a very long time friend and still is. We went to a couple’s seminar with the church and came back with more questions than answers and eventually realized that we were much better suited to being friends than possible spouses. Now for the first time in my life, I had a home for my kids and was living on my own. I started encouraging my kids to grow in their faith and my three older kids have become saved and have been baptized.
Today I am finding ways to serve in my church, sometimes God calls me to do things that are out of my comfort zone (like speaking in front of people), but I still do it because I know He is using these things to grow me spiritually. I have returned to college, and am now studying to get a degree in Human Resource management. I intend to start a non-profit for kids who are like me and were born with a deformity. I hope that through this venture families will be able to see what God has done in my life and see that with God all things are possible.
My life verse is Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” This verse is what calms my mind. After worrying for so many years about what MIGHT happen to me, I know better than some that each day indeed has enough of its own trouble. Being a single mom and working full time and going to school full time, I am still struggling with worry. When I get to this point, I start reciting Matthew 6:34 over and over and over again.
God has blessed me in so many ways and continues to do so in ways that I could never even have guessed. God has changed me from a co-dependent person who needed someone in my life even if that person was unhealthy for me, to a strong and independent woman. He has changed me from having no self esteem and thinking that I am worthless to having the confidence that God has my back and He made ME with a purpose in mind. I went from someone who thought that no one could love me, to knowing that my Father God has always loved me. I have great friends who encourage me in my faith and a wonderful church family who notices when I am missing. The best part, is knowing that God is with me and He is still shaping me into who I will to be so that my life will be a testament to His greatness.
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